The Grand-Teen Connection

A grandparent can have a profound effect on the life of a grandchild. Whether you are a grandparent who is extremely involved in the daily and weekly ongoings of your grandchildrens' lives, or, you have a more distant relationship with your grandchild/grandchildren, my message is still for you.

Your presence matters.

Whether your grandchildren know you or not, or you know your grandchildren, the life you live impacts them. Your presence, no matter how close or how distant, may be carrying history, culture, religion, spirituality, ethnicity, language, genetics, experiences, obstacles, successes, wars, relationships, losses, births, traumas...that affect the generations that come after you. So I ask you to take a moment, as you read this, and consider: how close do I feel to my grandchild/grandchildren? am I satisfied with this relationship? do I want to be more involved in their lives or trajectories?

The Parallel Process of Aging and Adolescence (or aging and teening

You may recall being a teenager and wrestling with your independence. While societal expectations, familial obligations, and gendered responsibilities have shifted over decades (and continue to shift), something that remains relatively constant is the teenager's search for independence. Adolescence can be a formative time for rebelling against or challenging what has been known and exploring new identities and possibilities. In her book, Drama Therapy and Adolescent Resistance, Drama Therapist Renee Emunah (2005) discusses this adolescent paradox. She writes that adolescents “strive to defeat authority and structure and yet are terrified of succeeding” (p. 110) as they desire the “freedom and privileges of the adult” and simultaneously yearn “to be cared for and protected as a child” (p. 108). If you recall being a teenager, you may remember this angst and fear. If you have a teenage grandchild, they likely feel this too, yet may not have the words or awareness to communicate this, or may feel embarrassed or scared to ask for support or guidance. These conflicting desires to break free from parental control or authority and to be coddled and protected may emerge as confusion, irritability, anger, or spite.

You may be familiar with these tensions today, perhaps in a parallel way to your teenage years. Depending on your age, mobility, location, medical and psychological needs, and resources, you may be experiencing a loss of certain freedoms, an increasing dependency on others for care. This may be frustrating, sadenning, confusing, limiting, or depressing. Of course, depending on your circumstances, preference for activities, closeness to friends, family, or partner(s), relationship(s) with support figures, relationship with yourself and your journey, how you are aging may also be gratifying, reassuring, relieving, and uplifting.

As we consider the grandparent-grandchild relationship, especially as it relates to teens, you are in a unique position as the grandparent to relate to your grandchild, empathize with them, and care for them. Every family dynamic is different, and you may be the primary caregiver for your grandchild, or vice versa. These distinctions are important, and, something that you likely have is a generational advantage. By definition, you are separated from your grandchild by two generations. Your grandchild may not know a lot about you, but if you can find a way in, you can likely make them curious. If they are interested in you, they may be more receptive to your interest in them.

Your Presence, Posture, and Position Matter

Joining. In addition to being physically or emotionally present with your grandchild when you are together, your posture in the room or shared space with them matters. Mobility depending, what is the shape your body is making, what is your posture when you are together? When we mirror the body language of another individual, this can lead to enhanced feelings of understanding, and being understood. Next time you are with your grandchild, notice what happens when you shift your facial expression or body posture to be like theirs (if you are able to without pain). This does not have to be an exact imitation--in fact, your teen might notice if you are over the top mimicking them (which might lead them to feel annoyed or amused depending on your relationship)--but a subtle shifting of your own physical presence to match theirs. This can be as simple as sitting across from them or next to them, sitting an angle at which they are sitting, standing together at the kitchen counter while baking or cooking, following their gaze, or to the best of your ability or mobility, meeting them at their level. Do they have their arms crossed? Are they looking at their phones? Are they sitting close to you or far away from you? Are you wearing masks and keeping distance? Are they choosing to maintain personal space? Do they seem quiet, shy, or standoffish? What mood or energy do you sense from them? This nonverbal information can be key to connecting with them, as your physical presence sends the message that I see you, or I respect you, or I am open to engaging with you. (Depending on the attention or maturity level of your teen, you might even address this shift with them directly, ask them if they noticed any differences in your interaction, or invite them to mirror your body language and see what they notice about themselves or you).

Choosing an activity. What happens when you do an activity together? Painting, reading, walking, singing or listening to music, for example, can be entryways into deeper connection. If you spend time with your grandchild, do you usually choose or dictate the activity or do they? What happens when you ask them what they want to do? Do you get a shrug, enthusiasm, contentment? See what happens when you 1. ask them to choose an activity to do together 2. suggest an activity you really enjoy and can share with them 3. or pick something new, creative, playful, or silly to try together. They may feel safer letting down their defenses and acting like a kid again if you are too. They may feel confident acting like an adult if they feel that you are trusting them with choice and responsibility. Having the choice to participate or to experience something new might empower both of you.

Sharing stories. What is something your grandchild does not know about you? Or, if you feel like already you've told them all the juicy details, how can you tell them a story about your past as if telling it for the first time? You might even acknowledge that they've heard this before, but how much do they remember, and were they really listening? Your teen might feel more comfortable opening up to you about challenges, stresses, worries, relationships, crushes, fears, or unknowns if they hear you share a relatable sentiment. Sense that your teen is going through a tough time at school, at home, with a friend, with their identity, with a romantic or sexual interest...? You might share about a time you felt XYZ and open up space for dialogue by modeling vulnerability. It might surprise you how much your teen responds if they feel curious, connected, seen, or heard.

You are a key witness. You have seen and heard and felt many things over the years. There is no pressure to bare all, to share all, to tell all, to your teen, or to anyone. Stories may be difficult to remember or they may bring up painful or hard emotions. What you share with your teen is entirely up to you. And this goes both ways. Your teen is likely full of questions and intrigue and anxiety and uncertainty, and they may share some of this with you, but they don't have to, and that's also okay. You can say this to them outright. Validate that you are there to listen to them and support them and love them and care for them to the best of your ability, no matter what. None of this depends on what verbal exchanges you have. If you can convey to them your unfaltering love or encouragement, willingness to connect, and show up for them as much as you can, this is more than enough, and more might come.

References:

Emunah, R. (2005). ’Drama Therapy and Adolescent Resistance,’ in Weber, A. & Haen, C. 

(Eds.) Clinical Applications of Drama Therapy in Child and Adolescent Treatment (pp. 107-120). NY: Brunner-Routledge.

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